I hate day 1. Well it’s not quite day one as I’m writing this at 2am and still have alcohol in my system. So I have to admit I have a problem with alcohol at the moment, or maybe for the rest of my life. I can’t sleep obviously because I feel so shit about my behaviour yesterday evening and it’s wizzing round in my head like a racing car 🏎
It was day 2 again after I drank on Friday night at the pub, I casually decided it was fine and I didn’t need to abstain and shared bottles of prosecco with my friend to celebrate my daughters 2Nd birthday. It was fine and on Saturday I felt fine and I was very smug and happy with myself- I have been over reacting, I don’t have an issue with alcohol everything is absolutely fine.
Sunday- usual afternoon after long weekend at work and I had to call upto my friends (drinking buddy)to pick up some things in the car. I usually get drunk when I go but had text her saying I’d have a cup of tea (she knows I’ve been struggling and doesn’t make an issue if it). Got there with the kids and she put the kettle on, I started hinting that I fancied a drink and could get Mr A to walk up and drive us all home…she’s giving up wine so was on spirits so I said I would join her…rude not to?!?!
The thing is I’m just so fucking greedy. Topping my drink up whenever I could, knowing there’s no alcohol at home so trying to get in as much as possible, forgetting that I’ve not really eaten since breakfast and I’m in charge of these three girls.
Mr A arrives a few hours later (2.5 to be exact) and I’ve had about half a litre of vodka. he was pissed off about walking up in the damp which to be fair her had a right to be, but he continued to wind me up about stupid stuff like how I’d parked the car and shit that he knows is not important… que big argument in the car with me yelling, kids upset… this continues into the house, yelling gets louder, can’t remember the arguments but kids were crying, I’m crying all because I’m fucking pissed and I chose to do it why????? Now I’ve been wide awake feeling sick for hours and want to sob myself to sleep. So sick of this. I ended up doing something else I regret- self harm, this is something I used to do regularly in The past but haven’t for years…I was upset with myself and him and angry, and just needed a release. Now my arm looks a mess and I don’t know how I can hide it from everyone. I’m ashamed, angry, guilty, tired and sick 🤢
Next time I want to drink please direct me to this post! I hate alcohol. Alcohol ruins lives. I fucking hate alcohol. Alcohol is ruining my life right now. It is steeling time from my children, it is causing fights with my partner. It is making me ill, physically and mentally. I never , ever want to drink alcohol again, ever. ever. Holidays, birthdays, day trip, sunny afternoons ….these are not enhanced by alcohol for me, only troubled, it has to stop now.
This sounds stupid as I’m not religious,!but I’m going to pray for myself, ask for some kind of higher help, anyone else out these please do the same for me today xx