Fallen off the wagon

Ok so the last week has not been a sober one. It hasn’t been horrendous but I am stopping it again from now, from today. Here’s what’s gone down…

Yes I had to dispose of empty bottles secretly so I didn’t embarrass myself with the evidence 😭

So Covid-19 finally got to me, each day was Groundhog Day and I just told myself I *needed* something to take the edge off this tricky time. Boredom. That’s what did it. I bought myself the smallest bottle of vodka for Friday evening as a treat, and knowing I could only drink that and not be ill…it was 7.3 units I think. I obviously finished that and that was that for Friday. I didn’t go out and get more on Saturday, and here is where the false sense of security creeps in.

“I obviously don’t have a problem since I only had 7.3 units and didn’t need to drink again on Saturday”… is what my mind tells me. Wrong. So as I *obviously* don’t have a problem 🤥 I went out again on Sunday and purchased the next size bottle, I think containing 13.7 units or there abouts. I drank about 8 units, again this is “ok”. Then on Monday I had a drink pretty early in the afternoon because there was the rest of a bottle to finish. Had a few drinks which obviously wasn’t enough so wandered out to get another same size bottle. Drank 8-10 units that night, still not too bad, not finishing every bottle, clearly I don’t have issues here…tuesday the same thing happens, and Wednesday and then last night I went to the shop after having about 6 units and bought a 2litre bottle and had 2 drinks out of it. So, in one weeks I’ve averaged 10 units over 6 nights, I’ve spent more than £50 on vodka and Pepsi which I don’t need and drank alone at home.

I’ve hidden evidence, I’ve snuck around, I’ve crept out the house to get more alcohol when I shouldn’t have, I’ve basically fallen right back into bad habits within the space of one week. I’ve had headaches every day, I’ve got acne again, and last night I was grumpy Mum, short tempered and snappy, thinking of when I could fill up my glass and how I could do it without the kids noticing. It has to stop.

I’d done 53 days, nearly 2 months, and I found a loop hole as I promised the kids I wouldn’t drink wine for at least 3 months, or 100 days, so technically I haven’t broken my promise to them but that’s a shot loop hole. It hadn’t been that hard to be truthful, and with no social gatherings it makes it easier not to drink…so why put myself through it at home alone? I don’t need this, my kids don’t need this role model, they need me here 100% with them engaged and focused on them, not on my glass and when it needs topping up.

So today is my first day of being 35, and I’m also hoping it is the first day of the rest of my life as a sober chick… can I look back in 35 years and realise I’ve had more time sober and how enriched my life has been because of it? I’ll drink to that (with my cup of tea here at 2am ☕️)…

And did I mention It’s my birthday today, 35… easy to remember my going sober date for the rest of my life…?…?…

Published by Sober Singer

A 30-something year old mum of 3 on a mission to life life alcohol free

8 thoughts on “Fallen off the wagon

  1. I know how it feels to climb on the wagon just to fall back off & it’s super hard right now! The important things is you’re making a conscious effort to keep trying & that in itself is amazing in the alcohol-centric society! 🙂 P.s I hope you enjoyed your birthday!

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