Must one habit give into another?

So I’m still AF, yey!! small celebration for day 23…although in my dream last night I was at some kind of ‘all you can drink’ free buffet and felt confused and guilty when I awoke this morning… My Hypnotherapist told me last time I spoke to her (as I get offered alot of free alcohol at work stuff etc) that even though it may not cost money it still has a cost to me, to my health, my time, my wellbeing and self-love…which I’d never thought about before. I’d rather pay money to drink soft drinks myself and feel good the next day than save money by sharing someone else’s booze and feeling sick/ loosing a day etc…

Anyway, I do have one moan today, I’m feeling bla and I think I know why but it’s a stupid reason. My 9 year old had a big audition last night via zoom for a great role on an upcoming massive movie. I was buzzing for her all day, she felt like she messed it up and was devastated. I was so sad for her, but felt worse as I’d pushed her and she said she felt pressure to ‘do it right’ bless her. I don’t want her to feel like that – she should have just learnt from the experience and not felt like it was the end of the world or I would be mad or disappointed in her for not moving forward with it. I’m upset that I am so upset, it shouldn’t matter to me, but I do feel like she’s lost a massive opportunity, but that’s just really harsh, she’s 9 for god’s sake…move on Me! As I drive home last night I did think alcohol would be a usual go to for me, to ease the feeling of blandness and meh…I obviously didn’t drink, but I did watch a programme about Freddie Flintoff and Bulimia and then at the end like a robot stood up, finished off some crumble my mother in law had sent over for me and then proceeded to lean right over the toilet and ‘attempt’ to purge the whole lot. I wasn’t very successful anyway and now my throat is killing, which is why I remember I was never a ‘good’ bulimic and why I should never do it again. But I mean, WTF? I was feeling shit and just replaced drinking alcohol with another form of self harm, so I’m mad at myself and still feel shitty today. But I’m not going to drink anyway, that’s all I know. I haven’t got time or energy for my eating disorder to rear it’s ugly head now or ever…feeling a little bit stuck between a rock and a hard place…any suggestions for a softer place I can try to land next time?

Published by Sober Singer

A 30-something year old mum of 3 on a mission to life life alcohol free

One thought on “Must one habit give into another?

  1. It takes a long time to unravel the truth. A good therapist who is knowledgeable about addiction helps. Have you checked out AA? The 12 steps are an excellent path to self awareness that can benefit anyone.

    I’m sorry your daughter feels so pressured. It is so hard to watch our kids struggle.

    Just don’t drink and see what arises.

    Anne

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: