Sometimes you wonder….

I wanted to drink tonight, I’m not sure why. I found myself thinking about what it would be like while I was walking the dog (past the off licence). I thought maybe I could just have one now I’ve got the binge drinking out of my system. I thought how nice it would be to be able to REALLY relax…I thought about a cool strong vodka with Pepsi and lots of ice…a taste I do actually still like even though I know it’s poison, I love the feel of the burn of strong alcohol going into my tummy…I think that comes from knowing that soon I would be drunk…like when you were young you always drank to get pissed as fast as possible and as cheaply, and I guess I got used to that and it’s just stuck.

I thought about how I’ve felt restless these last few days, and it’s lockdown again and the days seem endless again… I said to myself “maybe because of lockdown it’s ok to go backwards and start again when it’s all over”.

Then I walked faster feeling uncomfortable and annoyed at myself that I was having this conversation as I’ve so far managed to avoid having too many…I got home, there was a yummy pudding with for me which I inhaled and told myself that was just what I needed. I had a cup of tea. Didn’t think about it much more, was just pleased I didn’t waste my money and pay to have a hangover to and feel like crap after 4months and 4 days!

But now I still feel unfinished, unsettled, I’m not sure what else, just not relaxed and at ease. It’s probably as I’ve been eating a lot better this week as have gained at ella at 2lbs….so looking for the next distraction. If I start drinking again I can forget about my size and focus on that “problem” again!

Well I’m off to bed with my cup of tea as to listen to my hypnotherapy and I know I will wake up feeling positive again tomorrow x

Stay strong amigos

Published by Sober Singer

A 30-something year old mum of 3 on a mission to life life alcohol free

7 thoughts on “Sometimes you wonder….

  1. I just wanted to tell you to stay strong! As you can see in my blog, I stopped for almost 8 months last year then started drinking again in mid-August. I wouldn’t recommend it. I thought to myself that maybe I would be able to moderate this time and drink more normally. But I couldn’t. I started off being able to share a bottle of wine with my hubby at dinner, but that quickly devolved into me drinking a bottle of more on my own most days. As I suspected, I wasn’t able to maintain any kind of control. I also had worsening effects of alcohol like a lot of blacking out which I’d had very rarely before. This time it happened on almost a daily basis. Stick with it and know how much good you’re doing for yourself!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you- it’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one that thinks about going back, and I definitely don’t think I could moderate, not yet or in this current pandemic, so drinking would be purely to escape and I can’t let that happen

      Like

  2. Not drinking is only the beginning.
    Learning to be ok with all that time, being able to sit with ourselves. Understanding who we are.
    These are years and years of introspection and living that still have to come.

    I don’t think binge drinking ever goes away. That’s how I drank. I never wanted one, and if I had one I always acted more. One drink might sound nice, but it is a lie I would tell myself.

    I know this. The answer is to just not drink at all.

    You can do it.
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  3. God it’s so hard isnt it. I really miss espresso martinis and used to make an amazing one. I hate nights where I have arguments in my head about it. Its exhausting as you know you shouldn’t but god you want to. I think you’re so strong and doing amazingly well. It does get easier (at least that’s that I tell myself). Big hugs

    Liked by 1 person

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