I wanted to drink tonight, I’m not sure why. I found myself thinking about what it would be like while I was walking the dog (past the off licence). I thought maybe I could just have one now I’ve got the binge drinking out of my system. I thought how nice it would be to be able to REALLY relax…I thought about a cool strong vodka with Pepsi and lots of ice…a taste I do actually still like even though I know it’s poison, I love the feel of the burn of strong alcohol going into my tummy…I think that comes from knowing that soon I would be drunk…like when you were young you always drank to get pissed as fast as possible and as cheaply, and I guess I got used to that and it’s just stuck.
I thought about how I’ve felt restless these last few days, and it’s lockdown again and the days seem endless again… I said to myself “maybe because of lockdown it’s ok to go backwards and start again when it’s all over”.
Then I walked faster feeling uncomfortable and annoyed at myself that I was having this conversation as I’ve so far managed to avoid having too many…I got home, there was a yummy pudding with for me which I inhaled and told myself that was just what I needed. I had a cup of tea. Didn’t think about it much more, was just pleased I didn’t waste my money and pay to have a hangover to and feel like crap after 4months and 4 days!
But now I still feel unfinished, unsettled, I’m not sure what else, just not relaxed and at ease. It’s probably as I’ve been eating a lot better this week as have gained at ella at 2lbs….so looking for the next distraction. If I start drinking again I can forget about my size and focus on that “problem” again!
Well I’m off to bed with my cup of tea as to listen to my hypnotherapy and I know I will wake up feeling positive again tomorrow x
Stay strong amigos