So, I’ve been talking to a close friend I am able to confide in, and it’s easy to see when I talk out loud that my thoughts aren’t making sense. I think I’m eating enough in one breath, then I say but I’m really not I suppose…..it goes on…the similarities between the things I tell myself now about food and exercise and the things I used to tell myself about drinking are uncanny.
It time to face up to reality – the problem is not the alcohol, or the food, or the exercise, or any other form of self-torture I have inflicted upon myself since before I can remember – it’s me. I feel like I just can’t get over whatever it is that is driving me to do this – is it just habit – something embedded in my genetic makeup which means I will always try to slowly kill myself?
I do know the driving force behind all my endeavors is to lose weight/ stay at x weight.….absolutely everything revolves around that. I’ve addressed the childhood sexual assault, I’ve kind of addressed the adult sexual assault (I will post about this later)….I feel like in therapy I have gone over and over things, there is nothing more I need to say. I met my step-dad face to face and got the chance to tell him how he had hurt me and my family, got the chance to forgive him and say that as a dad I still loved him and missed him. Here is a link to a history to show how much I invested in healing from the abuse – https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-34571936 I have spoken to friends asking if I’m still in love with him – this is something I need to explore more I think.
Here’s a timeline of the last 36 years…
1985 – born
1999 – bulimia – drive to be thin
2000-2001 – anorexia – drive to be thin, ended up in hospital less than 70lbs
2002 – active recovery
2003 – started taking class A drugs because they gave me energy and I couldn’t eat when I took them / appetite control , a lot of alcohol came along with the drugs
2004 – Anorexia relapse / treatment needed
2005 on wards have gone round in a cycle of heavy drinking/freedom with food to restriction, this has continued to become more severe as the years go on…food and drink in the summer, starve in the winter…
2012 – relapse lead to ED treatment again for about 2 years
The binge- stave cycle continues – (when I say binge I guess I mean eating freely but probably binge drinking – not every single day, but enough, you know, enough to know it’s not right).
Throughout all these years I have also abused slimming tablets, laxatives, diuretics, self-harm, a few suicide attempts, anything really to ‘be thin’, my quest for greatness….
Hey, I am so grateful for all the supportive comments on my last blog, Ill try to address some of the questions here and think out loud…
My partner weighing me – this does seem very controlling, but it is something I agreed to in my care plan when I was discharged from the ED team back in 2013 (possibly 2014 I cant remember!). I agreed to ‘spot’ checks if anyone was feeling concerned. But he doesn’t realise that this has now sent me into a world of numbers that I wasn’t even considering before.
I have been in denial – I haven’t been eating enough for a grown woman with the exercise I’ve been doing – but because I wasn’t intentionally ‘dieting’ and have been eating freely whatever and whenever – lots of chocolate – cream in my coffee always – I felt I was ok.
Now the numbers are involved I can see it’s a problem… I could go either way….I started wearing my fitbit again – under the pretence that I will know I need to eat more because it will show me the outgoing energy( or supposed as it is very generous!) but I feel like I may be using it more to ensure that I haven’t over eaten. I still have control of this, (that reminds me of things I would write about controlling alcohol).
So Im a bit stuck I guess. Ive been asked to look at numbers and realsie I wasn’t eating enough which wasn’t a problem in my head – I’ve been the happiest and most content I’ve been for a long time (since stopping drinking mainly)…but now the numbers are back in my head. I know my weight day and night, I count calories in, calories out…
I don’t want this to become an eating disorder blog but yeah. I do want to call the gp and ask for a referral somewhere but the NHS is under so much strain I just feel like it is unnecessary and selfish. I know I shouldn’t feel like this, but I do. What to do….
Im going to start a food journal so I can actually see that I need more, and what of – I basically eat sweets and chocolate and salad/ veg, coffee and cream. Im not supposed to be running/ exercising, but Im still struggling with this…making my runs shorter and workouts less intense to start.
My sober time app tells me I’m on month 4, day 12 , yet I’m starting to feel more and more like day one! I’ve abstained, but I keep finding myself putting the bottle of nonsecco in the fridge to kill the craving, then realising that it won’t actually do anything and I’ll just be drinking bad tasting fizzy calories and I put it back into the cupboard. I suppose it’s a good distraction and makes me think about what I want. I don’t want empty wine calories back on my hips.
Although speaking of hips my partner is getting more concerned about my weight and is now wanting to weigh me and forcing me to gain some weight. It’s hard because I’m not cutting out foods mostly, or I wasn’t till he started weighing me! Now it’s a battle.
He says I look awful, and he won’t have sex with me until I look “better”. I do look thin but I can’t really help it. This week I’ve put cream in my coffee, eaten treats and whatever I’ve wanted, yet not gained weight , he says I have to stop running and exercising, but I love running!!! It keeps me sane. The worst thing was when he said it would be better if I just drank again, because I weighed more and didn’t think about food or exercise. That kind of makes me think why the hell don’t I just drink then!
It’s the lockdown that’s causing it, I was absolutely fine even over Xmas etc until the days became an endless cycle of feeling like swimming in circles, constantly paddling but getting nowhere.
So the feelings gone and I’m feeling strong! Thank god I didn’t give in that easily!! My non-secco arrived , still required proof of age which is weird of Amazon !! I’m looking forward to having it -no having a glass -on my daughters birthday on Friday!
Homeschooling is fun, said no one ever! We are trudging through, trying to keep our exercise up at the same time, lots of long dog walks.
Still finding it tough yesterday and today…bought my Pepsi max to see if that helped, it did a little . I feel I have an overwhamount of things to do but no time to do it, no computer to do it as my kids have it, and just no time no time no time!!!
I wanted to drink tonight, I’m not sure why. I found myself thinking about what it would be like while I was walking the dog (past the off licence). I thought maybe I could just have one now I’ve got the binge drinking out of my system. I thought how nice it would be to be able to REALLY relax…I thought about a cool strong vodka with Pepsi and lots of ice…a taste I do actually still like even though I know it’s poison, I love the feel of the burn of strong alcohol going into my tummy…I think that comes from knowing that soon I would be drunk…like when you were young you always drank to get pissed as fast as possible and as cheaply, and I guess I got used to that and it’s just stuck.
I thought about how I’ve felt restless these last few days, and it’s lockdown again and the days seem endless again… I said to myself “maybe because of lockdown it’s ok to go backwards and start again when it’s all over”.
Then I walked faster feeling uncomfortable and annoyed at myself that I was having this conversation as I’ve so far managed to avoid having too many…I got home, there was a yummy pudding with for me which I inhaled and told myself that was just what I needed. I had a cup of tea. Didn’t think about it much more, was just pleased I didn’t waste my money and pay to have a hangover to and feel like crap after 4months and 4 days!
But now I still feel unfinished, unsettled, I’m not sure what else, just not relaxed and at ease. It’s probably as I’ve been eating a lot better this week as have gained at ella at 2lbs….so looking for the next distraction. If I start drinking again I can forget about my size and focus on that “problem” again!
Well I’m off to bed with my cup of tea as to listen to my hypnotherapy and I know I will wake up feeling positive again tomorrow x
For the past seven years I have picked a word of the year to help set my intention. I use the word as a bit of a mantra, to set an intention at yoga and to inspire me. It is actually more that the word picks me, and when I hear it, it just feels right. This year my word is This.
In 2014 I took a yoga teacher training that changed my life. My teacher, Nicki Doane, came from Hawaii to my small city in northern Alberta. I never expected or planned to practice yoga, but, in early sobriety, I joined a studio and felt safe there. I would lie on my mat and think, yes, of course, this. It was like returning home after a long journey. Yoga was waiting for me to remember.
Anyway, I saw the poster with nicki’s picture and it called to me. So…