Fallen off the wagon

Ok so the last week has not been a sober one. It hasn’t been horrendous but I am stopping it again from now, from today. Here’s what’s gone down…

Yes I had to dispose of empty bottles secretly so I didn’t embarrass myself with the evidence 😭

So Covid-19 finally got to me, each day was Groundhog Day and I just told myself I *needed* something to take the edge off this tricky time. Boredom. That’s what did it. I bought myself the smallest bottle of vodka for Friday evening as a treat, and knowing I could only drink that and not be ill…it was 7.3 units I think. I obviously finished that and that was that for Friday. I didn’t go out and get more on Saturday, and here is where the false sense of security creeps in.

“I obviously don’t have a problem since I only had 7.3 units and didn’t need to drink again on Saturday”… is what my mind tells me. Wrong. So as I *obviously* don’t have a problem 🤥 I went out again on Sunday and purchased the next size bottle, I think containing 13.7 units or there abouts. I drank about 8 units, again this is “ok”. Then on Monday I had a drink pretty early in the afternoon because there was the rest of a bottle to finish. Had a few drinks which obviously wasn’t enough so wandered out to get another same size bottle. Drank 8-10 units that night, still not too bad, not finishing every bottle, clearly I don’t have issues here…tuesday the same thing happens, and Wednesday and then last night I went to the shop after having about 6 units and bought a 2litre bottle and had 2 drinks out of it. So, in one weeks I’ve averaged 10 units over 6 nights, I’ve spent more than £50 on vodka and Pepsi which I don’t need and drank alone at home.

I’ve hidden evidence, I’ve snuck around, I’ve crept out the house to get more alcohol when I shouldn’t have, I’ve basically fallen right back into bad habits within the space of one week. I’ve had headaches every day, I’ve got acne again, and last night I was grumpy Mum, short tempered and snappy, thinking of when I could fill up my glass and how I could do it without the kids noticing. It has to stop.

I’d done 53 days, nearly 2 months, and I found a loop hole as I promised the kids I wouldn’t drink wine for at least 3 months, or 100 days, so technically I haven’t broken my promise to them but that’s a shot loop hole. It hadn’t been that hard to be truthful, and with no social gatherings it makes it easier not to drink…so why put myself through it at home alone? I don’t need this, my kids don’t need this role model, they need me here 100% with them engaged and focused on them, not on my glass and when it needs topping up.

So today is my first day of being 35, and I’m also hoping it is the first day of the rest of my life as a sober chick… can I look back in 35 years and realise I’ve had more time sober and how enriched my life has been because of it? I’ll drink to that (with my cup of tea here at 2am ☕️)…

And did I mention It’s my birthday today, 35… easy to remember my going sober date for the rest of my life…?…?…

Day 50…

So my sober app tells me today is day 50! That’s really something!? So ten days until a milestone (according to the sober time app) of 60 days which also coincides with my 35 birthday! Which I think is quite nice as I will be less included to want to drink somehow knowing I’ve just earned a new star on the app, simple things lol!

So the UK tonight has been out in lockdown for three weeks at least due to covid-19, which is scary but also calming in a way that I get to spend all my time with my three kids and little dog (not mentioning the man of he house as I actually would prefer not to be isolated with him, (he is a knob most of the time) but we can’t change these things! Having already even isolating for a week because we have all been showing signs of the virus it’s been nice not having to rush about, no responsibilities other than the kids. Don’t get me wrong there have been hard times, especially with my middle daughter who is finding the change very difficult,but I’m dealing with it well especially when I compare to how I would cope if I was drinking… feeing like everyday is a bank holiday so pouring vodka at 2pm, 1pm, 12… not sleeping because I feel guilty about being drunk around the kids or something awful I’ve said to A that I didn’t mean or for eating one of the kids Easter eggs by “accident”…

Not waking up feeling hangover shame and fuzzy headed is a prize everyday, I am so pleased I’ve stuck this out!

One question…are Easter eggs classed as essential shopping? 🐣 🐰 🥚

Day 35, starting to dream

So I’m loving day 35, except that I dreamt last night that I was secretly drinking!! The dream was so vivid, me sneaking away and getting my double vodka and Diet Coke and asking for a straw, I even got given the wrong change so ended up with more money than I’d started with, so it felt like such a good thing, but then when I woke I felt so guilty and so pleased that I had woke and it hadn’t been real.. how can it still be so powerful and real?…?

Things that have improved since not drinking 35 days ago…

I spend more evenings interacting with my kids

Think clearly and not causing arguments

Getting on with online learning course

Better sleep!

Better digestive sustem

Started piano lessons so I can improve, something I “didn’t have time for” before…

Highs and lows

So my sober time app says (in one hour) I will be in my 23rd day! Yey! I’m determined to get to 100 days this time as that’s what I promised the kids. My friends wedding is on about day 110, and hopefully by then I will not want to reset but if I do it’s ok, because I can give myself permission to drink that one night as I am away in a hotel and for the whole weekend, so a few drinks on the Saturday will be ok as I’m not around the kids till the Monday. I feel like I’m trying to convince myself, but in reality I hope I just don’t even want a drink on the day, I’ll blog about it nearer the time, right now I need to focus on each day at a time.

I had a few r ally low days at the weekend, after Friday nights falling out. Not having a hangover and guilt was such a relief as I could think about what I was really feeling not just effects of alcohol withdrawal.

What I figured is I was just having a low mood day like many people do, I came down with a virus and lost my voice and it’s also near that time of the month where I am weepy fir no apparent reason. So things have settled at home, no huge dramas. Good result.

Another successful night?!?!???

So, another night out without alcohol last night and I was so glad it was. As usual a night out with my partner Mr A started and ended in an argument and didn’t get much better in between. The good thing was this time, I wasn’t drunk, so I was completely aware and in control of my thoughts and feelings which helped massively. Usually we fight and I drink more and we fight more and I say horrible nasty things and it all gets way out of hand then I wake up feeling guilty and sorry and asking for forgiveness.

Last night was different because alcohol didn’t get in the way. I’m really proud of myself for that. But, here lies the confusion…I still cried at the end of the night, I still feel angry and upset, I didn’t have a good time and it wasn’t because I wasn’t drinking, it was because of the company I was keeping.

We firstly fell out because my friend had offered me tickets for the gig for free but I insisted on paying because I didn’t want to take advantage where a lot of other people are at the moment, even Mr A had mentioned this earlier in the week so I thought I was doing right but offering to pay and support the local club. It was only £10 each anyway, when I mentioned it he kicked off, like he is the stingiest person in the world. So then I kicked off because of how horrible he is, so it went like this “we never go out and you’re always asking to go out and now you are saying you don’t want to go” he said…so I responded with “actually this is a night out you want(to see a band he wants to see) with your friends at your football club, and I’m not drinking atm and have asked you to be mindful of that so it feels really selfish and I would like some recognition for that”…he just said I am impossible and we said we wouldn’t go, the babysitter had arrived however and talked us into going.

When we walked in he spotted his ex, the woman he used to live with for 7 years across the room, and consequently spent the rest of the evening looking over to her and I could tell her was itching to go and speak to her. I had told him I was tired (I know now that I was actually coming down with a virus as I’ve completely lost my voice today- not great for a singer and singing teacher) and could we head off by 11pm for the babysitter and so I could rest my voice for the busy day tomorrow teaching all day and singing in the evening. Well we didn’t; he wanted to stay and then at the end, 11.10 he went over to talk to her for ten minutes while I stood outside waiting. I was mad, but mostly hurt. And I don’t know why, am I jealous? Seems it, but I really don’t know why? He’s with me for 14 years now we have 3 kids and she’s not like me at all (older/sensible/normal) but maybe that why I find it hard because I think he would be better off with someone like that? I have had this fight in my head for about 12 years now, where I just don’t know if I am in love with this man. I love him, but I’m not in love most of the time. Usually I blame the alcohol, or my childhood trauma which is bound to have an effect, but I just feel so unhappy a lot of the time when he is with me. I feel happy when he is not around. It takes ALOT of effort for me to feel happy around him, is love meant to be that hard??? There are a thousand other factors to consider which blow my mind when I start to think about them, like finances (I have nothing) the children living between two homes, logistics of everything…which is why it’s sooooo much easier to have a fucking drink and pretend like nothing is wrong. But it catches you up in the end, doesn’t it????