So 17 days feels good and like I’ve had a good run at it this time, this is bad because this is when my mind starts to say “you weren’t that bad” “maybe one drink won’t hurt” “maybe try a new drink, like red wine as it’s probably just vodka/insert any alcoholic drink that makes you bad”
These thoughts are not good because they weaken my defence. I must stay strong. I must not give in, however tempting, I will think of my little girls eyes when I was last drunk and shouting at them all, then the promise I made to complete 100 days, and how bad day 1 feels…
Another social night tomorrow, Mr A wants to go and watch a band, something we never do together but we are trying to make an effort to fix this broken relationship. The band is a Johnny Cash tribute which he will like and it’s in his football teams club venue so this is the main reason he wants to go. I said I’m not drinking so may find it hard (I sometimes help behind the bar there so can easily have as much drink as I want)… not sure yet what strategy I will use…maybe keeping busy behind the bar but that’s not much of a quality time as a couple is it 🤷♀️ hmm will have to just hope the band are amazing and I don’t get at all bored!!
People can take great offence if you turn up to their big event and DONT DRINK ALCOHOL. They find it insulting, I know this because I used to be the same- I used to believe that people could only have a good time with alcohol. However I now know this is utter bollocks and Im on a mission to prove it to others…except tonight I think I’m going to pretend otherwise if possible….
Here’s my plan…
I’m driving so there’s the big deal breaker, I can’t drink and drive…but as mentioned in earlier posts I’m out for a LONG day and night so I actually could drink earlier on but then I know I’d get restless and want more and the whole day would be ruined and centred around my next fix or going home early to have a drink…whatever it’s not going to happen.
Also I have a really kind sister-in-law /best friend that doesn’t think much of alcohol anyway and happily goes without 🤷♀️(I know, WTF?) and I know she will kindly say “I don’t mind driving if you want to have a drink” but she knows my mission and will support me, but I just know if push came to shove she would drive us home. Well I’ve decided I’m going to not tell others I’m not drinking (hopefully people won’t ask anyway) I’ll just say I don’t like prosecco since that’s what the day involves and pretend there is vodka in my Diet Coke.
The hen do itinerary looks like this-
11am: Everybody welcome to my house for a bottomless brunch! 🥂 12.30pm: Taxis to town 🚖 1pm: Life drawing with cocktails. 🎨 2.30pm approx. Cocktails and drinks (venue TBC) 🍸 4.30pm approx. Drinks and Dinner (Venue TBC)🥘 🍷 6.30pm Bar for more drinks and a sing along 🎤 🍺 9pm Cabaret 🎭 evening begins with drinks reception 🍾 12am approx.let’s celebrate with drinking and dancing 🕺.
I mean…that’s along day full of alcohol, normally I would be super excited about getting smashed, but the way I am now I’m not thinking about the alcohol part and just about how great it’s going to be to spend the time with friends and people I’ve not seen for a while to catch up…hopefully I’ll be the last one standing , I’ll still be in all the pictures but won’t wake up with that horrid feeling of “Omg what did I do yesterday/what did I say to people that I shouldn’t have” and yes I’ll be tired but I won’t be hungover 😵
I have a gig tomorrow afternoon and my girls need to spend quality time with me so I need a clear head and that’s what I’m going to have, wish me luck!!!!
So today started off really well again with me winning the radio show competition (twice in 10 days yes!) and this time bagging a family ticket to the theatre next week which my girls will love!
Then the day started to turn. Some students of mine were putting on a performance of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at 1st school today and I had to arrive at 8.45 to unload and do the ‘get in’, which is theatre speak for carry lots of heavy props and staging into the venue.
This week there’s been a newspaper and tv article about the students and parents at this school protesting about people pulling cars up on the yellow lines and how dangerous it is for the children. They have put a row of teddy bears and other cute soft toys out along the pavement to prove the point. ￼It was crazy down there and I had nowhere to even pull my car up opposite the school or anything and hadn’t been advised where to go, I ended up pulling onto the yellow lines and then my students told me that I did actually take out one of the teddies!! I was absolutely mortified and felt a thousand shames… I had the task of getting the staging and props in as quick as possible out of the rain and in hindsight we should have arranged to do the whole thing 15 minutes later when the parents and kids had gone! Trust me to get spotted by the parent police running over a teddy 🤦🏼♀️
The first thing I thought when I was upset was “I deserve a drink tonight” but instead I got myself a naughty lunch from McDonald’s and got on with the day. Enjoying my usual cup of tea tonight.
On an aside…I live a mile from my kids school and we walk to school every day whatever the weather …
So I’m definitely feeling the sober buzz…which I must say is better than the alcohol buzz as it doesn’t involve the inevitable drop and low afterwards! I wake up each morning and do my usual “OMG what did I do last night” and then run the last 12 hours back in my head and it takes a while to remember that I didn’t drink, I was sober and still am!!!!! And it feels amazing, such a relief every bloody morning I wonder when it will just feel normal again to wake up without “the fear” 😳
So this time last week I was having my first alcoholic drink which lead to many more in succession, which led to a lot of upset and hurt. I just know tomorrow is gonna be 100% better than last Monday!
I took my middle daughter out for some “us” time on Friday and had a Diet Coke, it came in a short glass and the traditional cola bottle which I found kind of triggering, as it made me feel like I had ordered the usual vodka and Diet Coke and I felt like taking a picture for some reason…
Anyway I didn’t let it sway me and continued to have a great night with middle child and a great weekend teaching. It’s gonna feel like a long evening from now until bed time though as Sunday afternoons are my drinking time….
Next weekend is my friends hen do which will also be a test but I’m determined to drive so I have no choice, but I’m out all day so could in theory still have a few drinks early on but I really do not need to and thinking of it more like a human science project where I can slowly watch people get drunk around me and monitor the rate of the different body types etc 😂😂
I’ve brought myself to my favourite cafe for a huge piece of egg custard tart and a coffee… alone! No toddler, just myself to sit and breathe and write for half an hour or however long I want. Big treat for a mum of 3!
It’s been a bit of a hectic morning because my other half asked for a lie in (something which neither of us really ever get, well I don’t for sure) and because I’m such a push over I of course obliged him. He was supposed to have our 2 year old while I went to watch our 9 year olds assembly because last time I took her up she ran around a lot and it’s not fair on the other parents… but I ended up having to take her. She was great up there to be fair but then started kicking off in the pram walking home, and this progressed round the shops so I just had had enough. Rang Mr A (as he is self employed and seems to be not working atm 🤷♀️) and said I had to leave to pickup the in laws at the airport. I actually did think I had to leave at the time and set off but then checked and the flight is delayed, soooo instead of going home like I should have I’ve just stopped off here for a relax! Naughty! I can still have my secrets but they don’t have to be damaging ones like necking vodka when no one is looking!
I can’t wait to see my in laws they have been such a miss, maybe now I can get back out running and focus on training.
In my mind I have so much I NEED to get done NOW it is frightening, so I think I’ll make a list and perhaps it won’t be as scary …
Give up alcohol (already on this one)
Get fit/ train for half marathon
Sort out diet and exercise
Spend more time with kids
Spend more time with Mr A and mend broken relationship( first appointment at relate tonight 😖)
Complete (I mean start) teaching qualification course my boss has paid for
Spend more time with parents…
It seems pretty impossible that I would manage to do all of the above, but I think the most important one is the first one as that frees up a lot more time for me to be productive instead of sitting drinking and then losing a day to a hangover/ guilt and depression…. I can do this!
And by the way- I never eat a piece of tart to myself- I have today- self care all the way!