Day four and I’m feeling good!

Ok it’s only day 4, but I’ve been productive…running, doing computer work I should have done long ago….putting learning plans into place…

Anxious about work and kids activities restarting just because it’s gone from laid back life to a million miles an hour again. Sundays hangover was not extraordinary just usual, which is sad because I felt like shit for a good few hours, I missed my last chance to run with friends on a Sunday morning before back to work this weekend. My bowels just can’t take anything over 10 units….so most of the morning was spent on the loo of nearly crying thinking my gut was going to explode. Least I don’t get headaches 🤷‍♀️ small mercies….

Like always I feel now that it’s the last time I ever want to feel like that….and maybe because it wasn’t sooo bad, it might just be…. I don’t know why it just feels different…positive vibes ❤️

Self loathing

I’ve been drinking again and I fucking hate it. I hate it so much. Why do I keep poisoning myself like this? When will I stop! I a solid not ever want to drink alcohol again, not a single drop, but in a few days this changes. There are reasons why I drank last night, and last week, and the week before , but ultimate all just excuses, there’s a lot more real reasons to not drink. I won’t list them now as my head hurts typing and I have to keep running to the toilet every 5 minutes. Let’s just get.through.today.

😞

That Friday feeling

Ok so it’s Friday, almost a week since my binge last Saturday, and dreadful Sunday to follow. I’ve found myself saying a few times that I’m actually not “that” bad and a few drinks this weekend would be ok….hmmm I’ve said this many times before.

The festival is a very mini music thing to try and get live music going again in our home town, so maybe only 100 people there…my sister says she’s not going to drink either, as she is aware I’ve been struggling, she also can struggle with similar issues so the two of us together isn’t great when we drink as neither of us know when to stop.

I was going to take my car so there was no temptation but we won’t all fit so will walk…so I just have to be stronger for tomorrow. Knowing that even a few drinks tomorrow will lead to too many the next time, I just don’t want it. But I also don’t want it to be such a great big “thing” you know? So not putting too much pressure on myself, I would hate to have to reset my insta #100happysoberdays so I think I’ve got this! ☝️👌

Felt really fit last night and decided to do a half marathon as my weekly long run, was great!

#100happysoberdays

I created my own hashtag…feel free to follow on Insta!

Got home from work tonight and could not be bothered to cook so I took the kids to Wetherspoons to take advantage of the promotional offers on at the minute…. had no intention of buying alcohol, which felt strange but also good not to worry about how many I could fit in in the short time we were there. Had iced water and a nice meal for £12 for five of us!!!amazing

Home now, all settled in PJs for the night, if this had been a drinking night I would have gone to get sneaky vodka and be in the same state I was on sat again. Why do I pour the biggest drinks possible? It’s so I can try to drink as much in as little time, like when you are a teenager and have no money to drink so just wanted to feel drunk as cheaply as possible….step out into the fresh air, head rush…stumble home, giggle…it was different then. Much different, it won’t be like that again.

Bought jason vale and enjoying it so far…just finding time to read is tricky!!

Starting again

So I feel like shit. My head is killing me, my stomach is churning and I keep running to the loo….

First thing I did when I went downstairs was pour out the remaining vodka…. there wasn’t much left, the £9.99 bottle has 13.4 units in and I probably had 9…on top of the 4 free glasses of prosecco that kicked it all off… I was so relieved my singing went well and watching others sipping fizz in the sun I just didn’t even put up a fight…as soon as I’d had one I was asking for more, drinking fast so I could try and get as many free drinks in before we headed home…snuck out to the little shop to get vodka …. why!!!

I started talking shite to everyone, I was messaging people (nothing horrendous just pissed talk though which is annoying for people) and now I just feel rough.

I will buy the jason vale book today. Thanks for the support yesterday.. I definitely feel like now I know I just don’t want to drink…I achieved nothing, it’s set me back with my fitness and just nothing good came from drinking last night…I’ve got a festival with my sister next Saturday and I was worried about that because I thought I’d wanna drink but now I just know I don’t want to. I’m thinking of starting an instant account or something where I can count down from 100 days to keep myself motivated but might just stick with this

Failure??

I’ve failed at staying dry..,but hear me out first…. I’ve been dry for 16 day (woo hoo) and my aim was to regain control…which I did,…now today I’ve felt guilty all day and beating myself up for drinking because of my blog but, here’s the but….it’s ok to have a slip,or It’s okay to set the clock back to day one with a new force ahead.

14 days

So it’s two weeks tonight since I got drunk last,well had a drink even – and I feel great. My body is healthier, my mind is healthier – then why have I just asked my friend if she wants to go out for tea on Saturday after I’ve done my singing set in the marketplace? I’ve been asked to sing at an outdoor event which is mostly about a Prosecco pop-up bar (and the lady said I could have plenty free Prosecco to which I didn’t answer at the time) and now my friend (who loves Prosecco) is coming down to watch , and I just text her asking if she fancied going for a meal and “doing something afterwards.” It’s like self sabotage ….🤦🏼‍♀️