The day after the day before…

So I do always love the feeling of waking up from that amazing sleep you have when you haven’t slept a wink the night before…I woke up thankful that I am sober and will be for a long time. Thankful for realizing that to have a good time I don’t need alcohol…

Still getting to grips with using this blog, I have been informed that I am at the moment number 5 on the feedspot top 10 sober blogs….not quite sure how https://blog.feedspot.com/uk_living_sober_blogs/

As a ironic twist today I won 4 tickets to the Races on a choice of either 2 dates int he next two months..I rarely enter competitions or call the radio but today was one of those rare accounts. My first thought when I won – “I won’t be able to drink” then “Maybe I can give myself a pass since it’s a one off prize.” How many times do I need to learn that all occasions could be classes as ‘one off’s’, every event or social gathering could and should be special and memorable, but not because alcohol is involved. I want to remember things for what they are not how pissed I was and how bad I felt the next day, which seems to just be getting increasingly worse (though it’s not so much the whole of the next day, it’s the fear during the night….the anxiety knowing that I’m going to feel crap is actually worse than the hangover…I have created a monster in my head).

11am

So the horrid drunk low I experienced all night has finally passed. I didn’t sleep a wink and feel like a zombie, spent about 2 hours on the loo with my IBS between 5-7am, now making myself a bacon sandwich. Ugh, why do I continue to keep putting myself through this? It’s so horrible to feel so guilty as well as physically ill. No more poison in my body. I’m starting with a smaller goal of 100 days and hopefully I will be able to extend it after that.

I had a good chat with the kids and Mr A this morning, said how important it is for me to abstain completely (he always says it too drastic and I don’t have that much of an issue but I think I just hide it well) and how sorry I was for the way I behaved last night, for the shouting, crying and yelling. I told the kids that I struggle to ask for help or talk about my problems and instead think having alcohol will help me, but it just makes things worse. I said I was never taught how to properly cope with my emotions and that I was going to try really hard to do it properly now to set a good example for them all. I said if we have problems we have to talk to someone, and that’s what I’m doing. I’m on the waiting list for a talking therapy service which should take about 6-8 weeks.

Back at day 1

Aghhhhhhhhhhhh

I hate day 1. Well it’s not quite day one as I’m writing this at 2am and still have alcohol in my system. So I have to admit I have a problem with alcohol at the moment, or maybe for the rest of my life. I can’t sleep obviously because I feel so shit about my behaviour yesterday evening and it’s wizzing round in my head like a racing car 🏎

It was day 2 again after I drank on Friday night at the pub, I casually decided it was fine and I didn’t need to abstain and shared bottles of prosecco with my friend to celebrate my daughters 2Nd birthday. It was fine and on Saturday I felt fine and I was very smug and happy with myself- I have been over reacting, I don’t have an issue with alcohol everything is absolutely fine.

Sunday- usual afternoon after long weekend at work and I had to call upto my friends (drinking buddy)to pick up some things in the car. I usually get drunk when I go but had text her saying I’d have a cup of tea (she knows I’ve been struggling and doesn’t make an issue if it). Got there with the kids and she put the kettle on, I started hinting that I fancied a drink and could get Mr A to walk up and drive us all home…she’s giving up wine so was on spirits so I said I would join her…rude not to?!?!

The thing is I’m just so fucking greedy. Topping my drink up whenever I could, knowing there’s no alcohol at home so trying to get in as much as possible, forgetting that I’ve not really eaten since breakfast and I’m in charge of these three girls.

Mr A arrives a few hours later (2.5 to be exact) and I’ve had about half a litre of vodka. he was pissed off about walking up in the damp which to be fair her had a right to be, but he continued to wind me up about stupid stuff like how I’d parked the car and shit that he knows is not important… que big argument in the car with me yelling, kids upset… this continues into the house, yelling gets louder, can’t remember the arguments but kids were crying, I’m crying all because I’m fucking pissed and I chose to do it why????? Now I’ve been wide awake feeling sick for hours and want to sob myself to sleep. So sick of this. I ended up doing something else I regret- self harm, this is something I used to do regularly in The past but haven’t for years…I was upset with myself and him and angry, and just needed a release. Now my arm looks a mess and I don’t know how I can hide it from everyone. I’m ashamed, angry, guilty, tired and sick 🤢

Next time I want to drink please direct me to this post! I hate alcohol. Alcohol ruins lives. I fucking hate alcohol. Alcohol is ruining my life right now. It is steeling time from my children, it is causing fights with my partner. It is making me ill, physically and mentally. I never , ever want to drink alcohol again, ever. ever. Holidays, birthdays, day trip, sunny afternoons ….these are not enhanced by alcohol for me, only troubled, it has to stop now.

This sounds stupid as I’m not religious,!but I’m going to pray for myself, ask for some kind of higher help, anyone else out these please do the same for me today xx

Day 8 and there may be trouble ahead…

Tomorrow evening I’m meeting my “wine buddy” with the kids for tea at the very respectable time of 4.30pm….she has decided to give up wine and prosecco from February and is planning on “going out with a bang” which I would be too if it were me. Why do we do that to ourselves? We know we are having too much of something so instead of stopping we binge on it till we can’t face it any longer…I hope she gets a good run at it because I worry about her a lot, but maybe that is self projection and it’s myself I should be worried about???

The first thing that came into my head when she said that was “oh yeah February would be a much better time to start being dry”… wtf? Why would I waste the last 8/9 days and binge drink tomorrow and feel shit all day Saturday when I’m at work and then again in the evening (I usually have to have a very early night after the night before as I don’t sleep when I wake up with the wine witch in my head at 2am 🧙‍♀️). I eat loads of crap the day after I’ve drank, which again is something that makes me feel shit about myself physically and mentally. Speaking of shit I actually have a lot of stomach issues brought on by alcohol so there’s another thing.

Ok but the thought of ordering and then sipping those drinks at the lovely pub with everyone else seems very comforting…I need to make some lists to get through this

Reasons not to drink

Can be proud of myself on Saturday

Setting example for the kids

No hangover/munchies/ibs

L will be there and doesn’t approve of getting drunk in front of kids

I can’t control myself and have just one or two, this has been proven many times

I have to teach on Saturday and I am a much better teacher when not hungover

Nicer evening on Saturday with my kids

Alcohol is poison and causes cancer

Can do human research and watch others getting drunk and feel smug ☺️

Reasons to drink tomorrow

My friend will want me to (only 1, the other adults won’t be bothered or drinking probably )

Relaxing

Will be more fun****not sure about this one because it’s all about perspective isn’t it?

Ok I can do this 🤞😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏

Day 6 – still week 1?!?!

This feels like a long week! I’ve not missed alcohol as much as I thought I would, but I wasn’t one for drinking every night, I just can’t seem to stop drinking when I do start, and it becomes a game to get as much drink into me as fast as possible without others noticing. I’ve spent my life with secrets – it feels normal to me to be sneaky and not completely honest…which I admit is wrong, but it’s been this way ever since I can remember. I grew up in a loving house with my wonderful mum and three siblings, but unfortunately the love I got from my step-dad was not the normal love a child should receive. Having spent many years dealing with the childhood sexual abuse I am now in a much better place, but it is obvious that it affects the way I deal with things now and is most likely the reason why I have a bad relationship with alcohol. So I grew up holding onto secrets, but it doesn’t mean I have to continue to do so. I need to remember my kids are learning from me, and this is one trait I need to get rid of right away!!